We shouldn't be scared

I shouldn’t be scared.

My ear shouldn’t be

glued to the computer screen, volume on

five percent, brightness even

lower but even through my

tightly

shut

lids

I can still see the

faint

red

of

blood.

I shouldn’t

be

scared.

I shouldn’t be plotting, I shouldn’t be

glancing at the door and

biting my nails and

practicing my

zig-

zag, computer keys

clack-

clacking as each

suggestion pops up and I add it to my

radar,

engraving the endless lines of

precautions and

signs into my

brain, I

shouldn't

be

scared.

I shouldn’t be scared,

not of the

door not of the

speakers not of the

tightness of the

classroom,

no,

I should be nervous for

due dates and

numbers and

papers

but now, on

this

day, there is only

one

date

May 24, 2022,

only

one

number,

21

only

one

paper

that

matters.

The one that says that an

eighteen-

year-

old can walk into a

store and buy a

gun that can kill

twenty-one

people that can kill

nineteen children that can kill

two teachers on

May 24, 2022.

The one that says that he could

walk into a

school and open

fire and a girl could call 911

again and again and the

police would stand outside and

twenty-one

people

died on

May 24, 2022.

The one that says that this same

eighteen-

year-

old would get kicked out of a bar, fingers not even

grazing a

bottle of

beer but instead he could get his hands on a

shiny

new

AR-15, now it’s

slick with

blood they covered themselves in

blood to hide,

they

shouldn't

have

been

scared.

He shouldn't have had that gun.

They should've said he couldn't have had that gun.

They say it’s not

black and

white but all I see is

red.

They say it’s not that easy,

not that easy to get his

hands on that

gun but he

did, and so did

so

many

others

this year,

this year

isn’t over yet.

They ask

why she opened the

door.

“Doors can protect us from guns,” they say, “have one door and keep it shut.”

but a

piece

of

wood should not be protecting us from

death.

Laws should.

We

shouldn’t

be

scared.

I am lucky,

my door, it’s

thicker than some

others’

I live in a place,

I go to a school, where we used to

giggle during

lockdown drills because that could

never

happen

here,

right? But after that

night

I

don’t

giggle during

lockdown drills anymore.

I tremble in

fear. We all

tremble in

fear. We

are

scared.

We shouldn’t be scared.